Laying Down The Sword

"For all who draw the sword will die by the sword."

I’m writing this entry from a beautiful new apartment I just moved into. The last few weeks have been hectic with work, recovery, moving and life in general, but today I’ve finally set aside some time for myself to get back to writing. As I look around my new living (yes, it even has a big-ass chandelier), it’s hard to believe that I’ve made it this far. Six years ago, in the throes of alcoholism and addiction, I didn’t think I would be able to ever hold down a place to stay, let alone something of this caliber. It’s just another one of sobriety’s countless gifts in my life.

You’d think that with a big life upgrade would come some degree of relief and satisfaction, but unfortunately that’s not exactly how I’m feeling. It is precisely this disconnect that I wish to explore today. On paper, I now have all the “things” - beautiful apartment, new truck, cute puppy, fit body, a business of my own, etc. - yet I can’t help but feel like something’s missing. It’s funny how I can have so many things, yet my mind focuses on the one thing I don’t have. If you look at that list above, you’ll notice what’s not there - another human being. Someone to share all of this cool stuff with. In my opinion, all these material things are worthless without that.

Look, I know the deal. I’ve been around the block far too many times for my own liking. I know I’m supposed to “love myself,” to learn to love my life independently before letting someone else in. I’m “supposed” to wait for some magic moment when the perfect person will show up when I least expect it. To be honest, I’m tired of all the one-liners people say about this topic. I’ve heard them all so many times that they’ve lost all meaning. I’ve already done all the things - I’ve learned to live on my own, I’ve spent seasons in solitude with my pain and my demons, I’ve waited for the perfect person, and the perfect person has come. The only issue is, they’ve also gone. It’s funny, people don’t usually talk about that part.

I’m digging deeper here, so bear with me. I want to make it clear that I don’t feel like a victim or desire any pity. This is not a “woe is me” party. It feels more like a reckoning, a voice calling out to me that something big needs to change. This might sound strange, but my intuition is telling me that the thing in my life that needs to change the most is change itself. Let me explain…

For six years I’ve been on a path of non-stop growth, both physically and mentally. At this point, I have a body that could be in one of those fitness magazines (I don’t say this to brag, it’s just true). I’ve explored every path of healing and self-improvement I can think of - therapy, various twelve-step programs, spiritual groups, men’s groups, etc. I’ve had more dark nights of the soul than most have in a lifetime, and I don’t say that in jest. If anything has replaced my old addiction to drugs and alcohol, it’s an addiction to personal improvement. Now that I’ve acknowledged this truth, let’s see how deep this rabbit hole actually goes.

I believe that change is the singular constant in this universe. I believe that positive change is inherently built into us as humans and is intrinsically tied into our purpose for existing. That’s heavy shit, but it’s what I believe. I understood this truth even before I got sober, but after I put down the drugs and alcohol it became my life and my obsession. Everything around me in this moment is a result of that obsession, and I’m grateful for it. That said, there are also some significant down sides that I’m only becoming aware of now.

I can’t tell you how many moments I’ve actually been okay with myself in the last six years, because there hasn’t been a single one. The image I have of myself in my own mind is not actually of me but of what I envision myself being, what I strive to be. By constantly comparing myself to that vision, I always fall short. According the the laws of the universe, if I see myself as always falling short, then in turn my world will reflect that. In many ways, that has been my experience - always sooo close, but just falling short.

There’s no better barometer of that for me than romantic relationships. I’m thirty-two years old and single. I’ve known love in a profound and extraordinary way, yet for this or reason or that it never lasts. There’s always that one little thing that gets in the way. This theme has been so constant and recurring that I can’t chalk it up to coincidence - it’s something from inside of me that I’m projecting into my world and my experience.

It seems that the way I relate in romantic relationships bounces between two poles - the first is what I mentioned above, this concept of falling short. The other side is simply being misunderstood. This happens way more often than I would like, and I think it somewhat relates to the first. Not long ago, I had an interaction with someone that completely caught me off guard and got me questioning many things. In some ways, that interaction is what led to this segment today. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll say that it left me feeling angry, bitter and lost. I didn’t know this person for too long, but they had conjured an image of me that was far removed from the truth of own experience. I was left with some key questions: How could someone get me so wrong, so quickly? How could I be so violently unseen by another human being?

I’m sure there was trauma and projection involved in that specific situation, but as with most things, there was undoubtedly truth there for me to find as well. This is where it comes back to the obsession for change and the incongruence of self image. With these as my foundation, I’ve always felt ungrounded from my present experience. This ungrounding shows up in various ways, mostly in the subtleties of human interaction that are expressed beyond words, and people unconsciously react to that. I wish I could say that my recent interaction was the first of its kind, but it wasn’t. Misunderstanding has been a theme for me for as long as I can remember.

So, what’s the point of all this blabbering? I wish I could have articulated what I was trying to say above more clearly, but that’s the best I got today. The whole point of all this is to say there’s one thing I haven’t yet tried, and that is simply existing. Simply being. Letting go of the constant desire to be better and just letting myself live. I don’t know if I’ve ever allowed myself to actually get to know me as I am rather than what I wish to be. Maybe that doesn’t make much sense, but it does to me. Oddly enough, it’s a little scary. Who the hell am I, anyway?

The biggest realization of all of this is that to some degree, I’ve been trying to do it all myself for the last six years (and if I’m being honest, for my entire life). My obsession with change has been inherently self-seeking, and I’ve noticed that I get upset or discouraged when my life doesn’t reflect all the things I think I “deserve”. It’s actually kind of messed up if I really think about it. The ego can be a real conniving mother-effer.

By trying to do it all myself, I’ve lived in the greatest sin of all - pride. I’ve tried to become the God of my own world, and it’s no surprise that I always feel like I’m not enough. I’ll never be God, and I’ll never live up to that ideal. Also, in trying to maneuver my life and my growth according to my own terms, I’ve blocked off the ability for God to work through me. After all, that is the heart of the message of Christ: lay down your life and your conception of yourself and become an instrument of the Lord (or something like that, I’m not great with quoting the Bible). I think it’s time to lay down my sword and see what God actually wants me to be instead of what I think He wants me to be.

That’s all for today, folks. I hope it was at least somewhat intelligible. I needed to dump out my thoughts through the keyboard for this one, and I appreciate you being the willing recipients of that. Now that my life has settled back down, I’ll be writing more frequently.

Let’s see where God takes me.

EDIT: After I wrote this, I found out that “Laying Down The Sword” is actually a concept in Christianity that comes from St. Ignatius laying down his sword at the feet of the Black Madonna in Montserrat. I had no idea that was real until after I wrote this, and I love that. If you’re interested, you can read a bit more about it here.